Awkward Turtles — An Untold Truth
The Island
The story goes back… way back. To the summer of ’96. Laying smack bang in the middle of a time zone line, sits an uninhabited, unusually symmetrical island.
Now known to academics as Turtopolis, the island in question is one of those ‘wonders of the world’ type situations. Not because we are in awe at its spectacle, but because we wonder how it even came to be..
Over the last two decades, dozens of the worlds top scientists, adventurers, and rich-listers have taken a step beyond belief. And have ventured out to the seemingly innocent island that has flown under the radar of top geographers, and travel vloggers (damn travel vloggers).
In this exclusive expose of the mission known as Operation Shelly, we will uncover truth of Turtopolis.
The Lone Returnee
Dozens of our smartest, and highest earning humans have had the privilege to visit Turtopolis. Aiming to return with some sort of explanation. But, alas, no crew had ever returned from the island.. None apart from one man, Harold McBarryson. When found bobbing face down off the north coast of a nearby atoll, he could only say two words to tell us what lead him there “Turtles, Turtles everywhere.”
Recovered on his discombobulated body, was a satchel. And what was found inside this very satchel, was astounding. Recovered from his satchel, were some scientific drawings of the island, half a notebook full of turtle observations, some ancient ruin sightings, and some unique species of fruit.
Many deductions had to be made, of course, but for any island related question that was pondered to McBarryson, he would simply reply, “I dream of Turtles”
26 Years of Deciphering
It is the year 2022. Our scientific community around the world has been trying to make sense of McBarryson’s findings on the island. Over the years, we have only been able to accurately name three new species of Turtles, and one unique species of fruit.
Now let me make this clear, the turtles that were discovered on the island, are not your ordinary Testudines. They have extremely obnoxious traits that tend to split the three species into sub-communities. Firstly, they are awkward, EXTREMELY AWKWARD. Think, waving at a person who you thought was waving at you, only to realize they are waving at someone behind you, awkward. Now multiply this by the 2000 documented unique turtle sightings, and you have a colony of Awkward Turtles. Secondly, they have taken belongings of the past crews that attempted to visit the island, and wear them as trophies.. yes, trophies.
Only a few species of turtles were identified on the island, however, we have noticed that the Turtles who belong to the same species tend to share very similar personality traits, and even life events.
Herman
Her·mahn·is Tes·tu·di·na·ta
The species of Herman tend to be antisocial. A Herman will spend years putting effort into a relationship only to lose interest the exact moment after mating. Common life events for Hermans include mating for life, changing their mind, divorce and custody battles. Countless custody battles.
A Herman enjoys long walks on the beach by himself, eating a whole Pompar Fruit by himself and talking about the inner workings of the universe….to himself.
Stewart
Stu·aht·ah Tes·tu·di·na·ta
Stewarts are a funny sort. Born with a rare condition that constantly makes you need to sneeze without ever sneezing, they are often uncomfortable. Stewarts tend to be fathered by very important Turtles, in whose eyes are almost always big disappointments. You can identify a Stewart in the wild by its characteristic pre-sneeze wailing. They are jittery and tread through the island very lightly.
Stewarts are here for a good time, they are the only species on the island that mate exclusively for fun and, supposedly, their skills are unparalleled.
Turcas
Tur·ko·fan·ee Tes·tu·di·na·ta
Very little is known about the species of Turcas. Although they have been observed more than any other turtle, they continue to be the most unpredictable and mysterious. What we know is that they enjoy cliff jumping, sliding down the sand dunes on the back of their shells and snorting when they laugh.
Other than that. Nothing. We know nothing. I’m sorry, okay, we are really trying. Maybe if there were less turtles we could get onto the island and study them closer. The Turcas’ just do weird things sometimes, I’m not even sure I can put any examples online, they can be pretty full on.
We have found multiple carvings, rock statues and cave paintings of Turcas’, suggesting that they were once worshiped on the island, but why? By who? No clue.
